10 Tips to Keep Hockey Parents Sane

This week we bring you an article by Jamie McKinven, about how you can keep your sanity this year as a hockey parent!

1.      Hockey is a Fun Game, Period

The number one goal in all youth sports is to have fun.  Hockey, at its purest form, is recreation and nothing more.  When kids begin playing hockey, they don’t know the meaning of the word “Salary”.  They have no idea what a contract is or an agent or why NHL players go from one team to another.  When kids first develop an interest in hockey, it is purely for fun.  Too often this cold hard fact is forgotten and becomes lost amid a tornado of ego, politics and misdirection.  When things become hairy and stress levels escalate, take a deep breath and read that three-letter word over and over again—F-U-N, F-U-N, F-U-N…

2.      Development is More Important Than Winning

Not too long ago, I had the unenviable task of listening to a parent tell me that their 10-year-old son has been crying himself to sleep for the past week because he has been getting two shifts a game, rotting on the bench.  The coach wants a championship and because it is the AAA level, has decided that he will do whatever it takes to win.

Some people say, “When you’re playing AAA hockey, it’s about winning and if kids sit on the bench, they sit on the bench.  If you want to get equal playing time, go play house league.”  I completely disagree with this.  The fact is, every parent pays for their kid to play at the AAA level and the mandate is still development and fun.  It’s not junior hockey, college hockey, or pro, where players are commodities.  We’re talking about 10-year-old kids with developing bodies and minds.

When I was 10 years-old, we won a few tournaments.  20 years later, I couldn’t tell you where the tournaments were even held and all of the trophies and medals I received are long gone and forgotten.  I’m not where I am today because I won a 50 cent plastic medal at the Eganville Invitational in 1991.  Winning is not important when you’re 10 years-old.

 3.      Don’t Worry About Status

The biggest misconception in hockey today is that if you aren’t playing AAA, you’re not going anywhere.  I hear it all the time: parents stressing because their kid got cut from the AAA team.  It’s the obsession with the letters in rep hockey.  It’s a ridiculous obsession with status.

The fact is kids are going to develop at different stages.  The kid who dominates in atom isn’t necessarily the kid who dominates in bantam, midget or junior.  In fact, that 10-year-old prodigy may be out of hockey within three or four years.  Most of the kids who dominate at early ages are the bigger kids who are just physically stronger than everyone else.  Within a couple of years, everyone else catches up and then it might be someone else who emerges.

From atom to minor bantam (10 to 14 years-old) I played AAA.  For the majority of that time, I rotted on the bench.  I was always the smallest kid on the team and always had coaches who were obsessed with winning.  I loved hockey, which is what kept me going, but I saw a lot of kids who were in similar positions as I was pack it in.  The turning point in my career came when I was 15 and was cut from the major bantam AAA team (Which at that time was the major junior draft year).  I went down and played A level bantam and had the best year of my life.  I had a great coach who played everyone and I was playing at a level that was perfect for my development at that time.

The next season, I played junior C followed by four seasons of tier II junior A hockey.  I then received a full-scholarship to play in the NCAA at Clarkson University and, after graduation, played four seasons of professional hockey in the ECHL, CHL and in Europe.  If I hadn’t been cut and gone down to play A level bantam, I never would have played beyond minor hockey.  It was an experience that opened my eyes and changed my life.

Playing against the best players possible doesn’t necessarily make you a better player.  It’s no different than bringing up a rookie too soon to the NHL.  In the long-run, it is better to play at levels that are ideal for the moment, while developing your skills and increasing your confidence.

4.      Don’t Compare

One of the worst things parents do in minor hockey is compare their kid to other kids on their team.  This does nothing but create animosity.  This is a terrible result of insecurity and jealousy and can have damaging effects on kids.  Comparing kids creates strained relationships between parents, which often filters down to the kids.  It’s the, “Why is Jimmy getting more icetime than Johnny?”  Or, “Why is Johnny’s line starting on the power play?”  It’s no different than typical workplace jealousy.  It spirals into paranoia.  If you, as a parent, act like this, your kid will see it and constantly compare themself to everyone else, which is extremely detrimental to confidence.

5.      Avoid Politics

Don’t get caught up in minor hockey politics.  It’s not hard to get a reputation as a trouble maker, and whether right or wrong, that reputation follows a parent and their kid around.  When I was coaching tier II junior A hockey, one of the factors that came into recruiting and making final selections was family life.  At the higher levels, you look to get a glimpse at possible character traits.  If you are deciding between three 16 or 17-year-old kids, who are almost identical in skill, potential, grades, etc., and you are about to invest money, time and effort and introduce them into your culture, you take family influence into serious consideration.  If one kid has overbearing, meddling parents, you almost immediately cross them off.  It’s sad, but it’s true.  The last thing coaches at higher levels want is to bring in a kid who has grown up with parents who fight all their battles and run around making excuses.  It’s a bad example to set and it’s detrimental to the culture of a team and the success of your kid.

6.      Always Be Positive

A recent survey stated that the one aspect of minor hockey that kids fear the most is the drive home.  It’s the fear of criticism and for kids it’s cutting.  My dad was always really positive with me when I was young and I think that was what got me through the tough years in minor hockey.  I was always put down because of my size, but my dad always said, “Don’t worry.  You’ll grow.  Just keep having fun with it.”  There were lots of other kids who had yellers and screamers for parents and it wasn’t long before they gave up on the game.

When I was a player, the one thing that I hated more than anything was when I would make a mistake in a game and get back to the bench and get reamed out by the coach.  Couldn’t he tell by my head-shaking and slumped shoulders that I was well aware of my mishap?  What good does it do to state the obvious other than to kick a man while he’s down?  Who benefits from this?

In my first season of junior A hockey, I had one of the best coaches of my career, Steve Carter, who played for the Belleville Bulls of the OHL and later for the Fort Worth Brahmas of the CHL.  I can remember the first time I made a bonehead blunder on the ice that season.  I made the long, lonely skate back to the bench and flinched for what I thought was sure to be a blasting followed by a long ride on the bench.  What happened next was the most uplifting experience of my hockey career.  Carter put his hand my shoulder and leaned down to my ear and said, “Relax, kid.  Now get back out there and make up for it.”  I went back out with my head held high, full of confidence and determined to reward my coach for his positivity and trust.

7.      It’s a Marathon, Not a Race

Most kids who play hockey dream of playing in the NHL.  As a parent, it’s great to support your kids and do whatever you can to help guide them along the way.  One thing that is important to remember is that the journey to the culmination of this dream is a marathon and not a race.  If times get tough when your kid is 10, 11 or 12, it’s important to remember that it’s all about developing and getting better and nothing is written in stone.  There are so many stories of kids taking the long road to reach their dreams.  Always keep that in mind, especially when the horizon looks cloudy.

8.      Always Take a Step Back

As a parent, your first instinct is to protect and defend.  If you feel your kid is being wronged or a situation is unfair, you want to lash out and hurt those who would dare bring harm to your kid.  It’s natural instinct.  That being said, it is important to always take a step back and put things into perspective.  You need to understand that your actions will have consequences and those consequences affect you as well as your kid, and others.

In 2000, Thomas Junta (google him, it’s a sad and tragic read) let his paternal emotions get the better of him during a situation at a minor hockey practice and spent 8 years in prison for his actions.  It all resulted from a typical situation that happens every day in hockey rinks across the world.

Last week I was at a minor peewee game watching a friend’s nephew play.  I brought my 2-year-old daughter along because she loves watching the Zamboni.  Throughout the game I heard every swear word in the book aimed towards players, coaches, other parents and referees.  Some of the yellers were people I recognized from real estate and insurance ads in the paper.  Do these people think I’m now going to buy a house or a policy off of them?  I wondered what these people would think if they were able to watch themselves on video.

Actions and behaviour have consequences.  Before you lose your cool, take a step back and put the situation into perspective.

9.      Be Aware of the Signs

Not everyone who starts playing hockey is going to want to play hockey forever.  Even kids who are the best players on their teams and play at the highest levels can develop other interests or lose interest in hockey altogether.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Kids often try different things throughout their childhood before they decide what truly interests them.  To be more in tune with this, pay close attention to their body language and subtle cues, because quite often, kids are too afraid to tell their parents that they don’t want to do something anymore out of fear of disappointment.

10.  Educate Yourself 

If your kid is serious about their dream of playing in the NHL and you want to shell out colossal amounts of money and provide moral support, educate yourself as much as you can about hockey and the different stages of development.  Learn about what is important for development and what path is best.  Soak in as much information as you can from as many sources as you can.

One of the biggest hindrances for kids and their families at crucial times in development is lack of knowledge.  For example, I’ve seen dozens of kids in the past few years throw away their NCAA eligibility in order to play a handful of games of major junior hockey simply because they didn’t have enough knowledge.  They think that the only path to the NHL is from AAA minor hockey to the OHL to the NHL.  They simply haven’t educated themselves on the subject of hockey and the various levels and paths.

About the Author

Jamie McKinven, author of “So You Want Your Kid to Play Pro Hockey?” and “Tales from the Bus Leagues,” is a former professional hockey player who played in the NCAA, ECHL, Central Hockey League and Europe.  Along the way, while riding the buses, living paycheque to paycheque and spending the summers tending bar, he discovered a great deal about life, love and the value of following through on a dream.