In The O… took the show on the road this past weekend and travelled to a foreign nation to take in a pair of junior hockey games. This foreign land you ask… well none other than the United States. As I have mentioned in my other posts, I run an OHL Radio Show, that can be heard through the website www.intheoradio.com and the reason for the weekend road trip, solo I might add, was to take in Weekend action of the Plymouth Whalers. Friday against the Niagara IceDogs and Saturday night against the Sarnia Sting during Plymouth’s Annual “PinkOut!” night to support breast cancer. I don’t think I need to say it, but I am PRO Boobies and CON Cancer. In 2 Nights I would arguably see 3 of the top 4 teams in the Ontario Hockey League and 4 of the top 10 teams in the the Canadian Hockey League. So needless to say it was a great business weekend for me to head out, get video and audio interviews and meet and greet my fans (cuz I’m such a star). Sadly though, I found out that the art of chirping, even in ‘HockeyTown USA’ is not commonly practiced and that this Nation needs some help. But rather than teach them how to chirp properly I will just expose either their ignorance… or their stupidity… granted some of them were drunk… but no free passes here… unless you are TopShelfBeauty or Foxy…(Just Having fun with fellow staff writers) So below are the chirps I received as I proudly shown I was a Canadian Hockey fan.
Needing to be up for 7:30 am on a Saturday morning is generally not a problem, but to head out to a used tire dealer just so I can drive safely, I take exception to that. I decide to dress and label myself as a Canadian in this foreign land, proudly representing my love of Hockey and my nation with a Hockey Canada hoodie (My GSG Canuck hoodie has not arrived in the mail by this point). I take three steps out of my hotel lobby and cue the American chirps,
“Haaackey Canada! Your from Canada? Haaackey Canada sucks, Go RedWings!”
I take exception to this chirp on a few principals, one being it isn’t quality. Not even close. How can you attempt to make fun of someone by telling them that their national team program sucks but a singular team in the NHL is better? does that make sense to anyone else? the second point is what is ‘Haaackey’? where did this long ‘A’ sound come from. it is Hockey, with an ‘O’ (I later found out that this ‘accent’ and ’southern drawl’ is prominent in Michigan, audio evidence below). So after telling this lady that she is dumb, and that a Canadian is arguably on of the greatest Red Wings captains of all time, but that same Red Wings Captain guided Canada to the last Olympic Gold Medal I walked away with my head held high because ‘She got served!’(is that even cool anymore)
About 30 minutes later at the closest Tim Horton’s Bake Shop and Cafe, I was intro’d to the ‘everything is bigger in Texas’ theory. Ordered a large steeped tea, double double with milk, when I found out 3 things: There is no such thing as steeped tea, they don’t know what a ‘double double’ is and a large size is equivalent to a Super Big Gulp from 7/11… after the server saw me gawk at the size of the beverage she said to me,
‘I guess we aren’t playing haaackey in Canada now are we…’
Really? this again? what does that mean? I am ordering a Steeped Tea (Manly isn’t it) which has nothing to do with hockey. Secondly, why do Americans jumbo mega size everything? and thirdly… most importantly… Shut up and get me my cinnamon roll, I need breakfast to go with a weeks worth of tea in a single serving. Hey, maybe this is the morning crowd, the drunken afternoon ramblings of 20 something year old Americans must be better than this right?
In the afternoon there is a big NCAA game on as far as the state of Michigan is concerned, the UM-MSU football game. I was really oblivious to the game until I walked into a bar that specializes in 100+ flavour of wings. As I walk in, you feel everyone staring as there is Green on the left of me… and Blue on the right… and here I am in a Red hoodie, representing the sport of Hockey (Michigan State=Green, Michigan=Blue). When I sat down next to some Wolverine fans the one immediately turned to me after placing his beer back on the bar and says,
“Canada Suck, haaackey Sucks, Wolverines Rule!”
So can anyone tell me what is wrong with this one? Now even though I am a Michigan Wolverine fan, I couldn’t help but laugh at him. Again, learn to chirp, telling me my nation sucks is one thing. heck it shows you have an intelligence level of a 4 year old by just blurting out random words to make a fragmented sentence. Here is a central theme, how come Americans cant make an O sound… I mean the girls at the rink have no trouble making O faces… ok too far. but seriously it is not 3 A’s it is one O in hockey. Then you end it by saying ‘Wolverines Rule!’ what time of logical line of progression is this? Being the smart ass that I am, I smile at him and point to the scoreboard, as so many of us hockey players have done through out the years. Michigan State was leading Michigan 14-7 en route to a 28-14 victory. From this point on… we were on polite terms to say the least, as he liked to turn to his buds and harp on Canada knowing I could hear him. That’s cool, 4 on 1 ain’t my style.
Game is done and I am now creeping in the mall as I needed a Flaming Pink shirt (Top Photo) for the ‘PinkOut!’ game that night because again, I am PRO Boobies. Gotta show the support. Looking to get some DQ for the sweet tooth after putting back a few pints and wings, so I go up to a gaggle of gooses, ‘excuse me, you happen to know if there is a DQ in the mall, and where it is?’ I ask them. So Mother hen steps up and says,
‘The Canadian can’t find the Dairy Queen? do you know where your teeth are Mr. Hockey?’
What is wrong with people today? I suppose some of it is my fault for attempting to go up to a group of ladies with seemingly no interest in their looks or desperate cry for attention, but all I want is a peanut butter cup blizzard. Why are you asking if I know where my teeth are? FYI, they are all accounted for. It isn’t like I went up to you and tried to wheel and deal a potential 4 corners match on the King Size bed back in the hotel. I just want Ice cream. Now, I have a high tolerance when it comes to putting up with female attitude, but this time, after previously getting heckled for wearing a sweater on a cold windy day, I had to let mother hen know what is up, ‘well honey, if you don’t know where the DQ is that is fine, I can ask someone else, but on my way to this mall, I did see the gym, and clearly you are a fan of muffins since your top is showing.’ Exit Right.
Based just on this experience alone, I have learned that the common American does not know how to heckle. Thankfully when I was back at the rink, I got to hear real Americans giving it to hockey players. And while I was telling this tale to my new friends in town, saw these two beauts rocking out the Muzzy’s and of course representing the brand in a foreign land. After they were gracious enough to pose for the photo after telling them I am a writer for GSG, they proceeded to crack some jokes at my expense. Most notably how i was probably a big creeper and wanted the photo of them to put on my ceiling to stare at them while I sleep. And after the day I had… I just nodded at them and we had a good laugh as we raised a glass.
The roadie to Plymouth, Michigan was a success from a business standpoint and a personal stand point. not only did I get great video and audio interviews, and made some new business associates and friends along the way. I had a pretty killer story to tell and also make fun of Americans in the process. And for this Proud Canadian Hockey Media personnel and fan… it doesn’t get any sweeter than that… Did I forget to mention we are the reigning Olympic champions… or is the USA still licking their wounds and pretending that it never happened lol.
GSG Nation, what is the worst Chirp from a foreigner you have ever heard? are they as bad as my Saturday? drop the comment below.
oh… and lets make fun of this southern accent from Michigan… as the table broke out laughing, a bud tweeted this out…
‘@KeithDorson: We just broke @intheoradio. Sorry Internet. #BestTripEver’